<quack>
27 February, Australia v Namibia, Potchefstroom
Bryan Gavin Murgatroyd (Namibia)
You just don't get it, do you Bryan? As we agreed the other day, I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'B' - Bryan, walking back to the pavilion again after getting out leg-before for another duck. What do you think your name is - Nicky? 3 balls (mind you, they were 3 balls from Glenn McGrath)
DD rating - 3 lilypads
Bjorn Leo Kotze (Namibia)
In fairness, there was nothing Bjorn Kotze, the unfortunate batsman could do. 3 balls faced, Glenn McGrath pitches middle, hits the top of off. It could have even done for Ronnie Irani or Inzamam ul-Haq, this ball. Probably both. Simultaneously. However, that's just not good enough for this World Cup - or this column.
If they had had television in 1789 - to be more precise in the days preceding 'The Mutiny on HMS Bounty', the following scenario could quite well have happened. It is a Group 'A' match of the 1789 World Cup, and Pitcairn Island (or some other group descended from criminals) are playing Namibia. The crew of HMS Bounty are watching the game intently, in between throwing breadfruit at each other. Suddenly, there is a load roar of excitement.
<Fletcher Christian> What's happened?
<Captain William Bligh> Another wicket. Our proud boys have got them on the run.
<Fletcher> Who got it?
<Bligh> 'Chopper' McGrath
<Fletcher> Zounds. Who was the unfortunate?
<Bliggh> The former Buccaneer turned Parson
<Fletcher> Who be he?
<Bligh> Bjorn again, Christian
DD rating - 4 lilypads
Rudy van Vuuren (Namibia)
Just one ball to face, then you can dream about the possibility of entering the World Cup record books twice in an hour and a half, Rudy. As he comes out to face, the umpire calls 'drinks'. They ask Rudy what he wants - he replies 'Better make it a short'. Following a solid bowling performance, he just has to get through the last ball of Andy Bichels over to have a 50-50 chance of becoming Glenn McGraths eighth victim. Rudy's not a glory-hunter, though. Not for him breadcrumbs and immortality, so he thinks carefully then decides to nick one through to Adam Gilchrist. Unfortunately, as well as not being able to bowl and not being able to bat, Rudy can't count either. Churchy has already picked up five catches. 5 + 1 = 6 and a new World Cup record.
DD rating - 6.5 lilypads
Breadcrumb moment - Rudy van Vuuren (Namibia)
Australia are 273-6 after 49 overs. The Namibians, for the most part, have kept things reasonably tight but it's all going a little pear-shaped at the end of the innings. The bowlers, frankly, are losing it. Skipper Deon Bosman-Ruling Kotze (eventually) calls on the reliable Rudolph van Vuuren to deliver the final over. For our part, we turn up the DevilDucky stump-mic (patent pending) and eavesdrop a little. Incidentally, Billy Bowden is the umpire.
<Deon Kotze> (to himself) Thank goodness I've finished my 10 overs. Now who do I bring on next? Ah, J-B Burger. He's the man for the big occasion (shouts) This end, Cranberry.
<Jan-Berry> Sorry, skip. I think I've cricked my neck.
<DK> When? You looked all right a couple of minutes ago.
<JB> Just now, mate. (whispers to himself) When I saw it was Darren Lehmann at the strikers end.
<DK> Oh, ok. (to himself) What about BO van Rooi? Yeah, he's gone well. (shouts) Here, Stinky?
<Burton van Rooi> No, boss. (stabs his hand with a pocket-knife) I've got this cut on my finger....
<DK> Right! Take a blow. (shouts) Rudy....
<RVV> OK, Deon. No problem, mate.
<DK> Six yorkers, mate. Lehmann's only on 22 so it's not as if he's looking for a 50.
(Ball 1 is short, outside leg stump. Lehmann swings it over midwicket for four.)
<Billy Bowden> (sings) You put your left leg in, your left leg out...
<RVV> Sorry, skip - loosener.
<DK> OK, but tight, Rudy, tight. Lets keep 'em to 280.
(Ball 2 is shorter still, well outside leg stump. Lehmann flicks it off his hip. The ball doesn't go within 30 yards of a fielder and thuds into the boards at fine leg for another four.)
<Billy Bowden> ...in, out, in, out...
<RVV> Catch it!!!!
<DK> I'm going to strengthen the leg-side field. Whatever you do, don't give him any width outside the off stick.
<RVV> No problem. Watch this...
(Ball 3 is short, wide outside the off stump. Lehmann swings through the line and the ball thuds into the boards (again) at backward point - right where the fielder who crossed over to the leg side had been moved from.)
<Billy Bowden> ...shake it all about...
<DK> I said "No width"
<RVV> I thought you said "Give him width". OK, yorker this time.
<DK> Let's see if we can keep them below 290 (claps hands). On your toes, guys.
(Ball 4 is the shortest yet. Lehmann heaves it across from a foot outside off stump and scatters the crowd on the bank fifty yards beyond the fence at long on. Fred, however, sees the ball a little too late and is laid out cold)
<Billy Bowden> ...you do the 'Silly Billy'...
<RVV> Oops
<DK> (speechless)
(Ball 5, another leg-side long hop, promptly smashed over midwicket for four. The ball thuds etc etc etc)
<Billy Bowden> ...and you swing your arms while standing on one leg trying to draw attention to yourself because I'm the star ...
<DK> Anyone got a gun? Pitch it up, for Chrissakes!!!
(Ball 6, the bowler finally gets it into his head that you cannot pitch short to Lehmann. So he tries Plan 'B' - the full toss. The crowd on the bank at long on, having helped Fred back to his feet, scatter again. The unfortunate spectator is clattered once more. The rest of the crowd just cover him with a sheet and steal his wallet.
<Billy>... that's what it's all about!
<DK> Rudolph....
<RVV> Yes, boss?
<DK> Stick to pulling Santa's sleigh next time, will you?
Lehmann acknowledges the applause for a run-of-the-mill half-century (by this World Cup's standards)
Breadcrumb moment - Glenn McGrath (Australia)
7-4-15-7 and another World Cup record
AJ Burger c Ponting b McGrath 4
M Karg c Gilchrist b McGrath 4
D Keulder c Gilchrist b McGrath 3
BG Murgatroyd lbw b McGrath 0
*DB Kotze c Gilchrist b McGrath 10
LJ Burger c Gilchrist b McGrath 1
BL Kotze b McGrath 0
and a few other boring bits like Australian ODI records, largest ever ODI victory, silliest umpire in a World Cup match, most catches by anyone in a World Cup match, 6 catches in a ODI game for the third time by Adam Gilchrist, stuff like that.