The Lame Joke Corner

[BoyBrumby]

I didn't really want to spend £100 on this, but both Hitler and Saddam Hussein previously owned it.

It was the grater of two evils.

 

[Daemon]

My girlfriend is on her period for the next 3 days.

I'll have to pull some strings in order to get sex..

 

[BoyBrumby]

Jose Mourinho has said he'll walk if Chelsea don't win anything this season.

Stephen Hawking says he'll walk if Arsenal do.

 

[wellAlbidarned]

An electron is rushing down the motorway when a cop pulls him over and says "sorry sir, but did you know you were travelling at 85mph?"

"Great, now I'm lost" replies the electron

 

[Flem274*]

albert stahp copying jokes from ifls pls

 

[BoyBrumby]

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?




















































-You can't marmalade your cock up your girlfriend's arse.

 

[uvelocity]

youve used that before i reckon, but still good

 

[wellAlbidarned]

albert stahp copying jokes from ifls pls

you're not going to turn me into the fuzz are you

 

[Manee]

Had a dreadful time at the fringe and never want to do stand-up again...however...here is a video of my set...

Manraj Bahra Edinburgh Fringe 2013 - YouTube

 

[Uppercut]

Had a dreadful time at the fringe and never want to do stand-up again...however...here is a video of my set...

How come?

 

[Manee]

How come?

Loads of nights went dreadfully. I think a lot of stand-up is self-belief and desire and I just don't have enough of either. Maybe in 10-20 years I'll try to make another go of it, but for the moment, I want to start a regular career.

 

[GIMH]

A racist, a cannibal and a footballer walk into a bar.

The barman says, "what can I get for you Mr Suarez?"

 

[BoyBrumby]

I've just joined a reggae band. I'm gonna be playing the triangle.

I stand at the back & ting.

 

[Manee]

Gary Delaney's version which is possibly the original is boiled down to "I've started playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting". Either way, such a good one liner.

I've found it easy to stop performing but cannot stop writing, lemme know if you like any of these. My hit rate with new jokes is incredibly low so if any of these are even passable, lemme know.

"I like to go to parties carrying a giant burning hammer...great icebreaker."
"The wheels on my car never tyre"
"Was walking down the street and saw a guy with a three week old mustache and I thought to myself...I NEED TO GET TESTED FOR TESTICULAR CANCER!"
"I'll tell you who I envy...depressed people who are notoriously bad at shaving...because they can cut themselves on their face where everyone can see and get away with it...lucky buggers!"

[Text message]"Manraj, I'm leaving you to concentrate on algebra...x"
"Its not so much that I don't want to blow my own trumpet, its just...too many ribs!"
"Laughing at someone's funeral is one of the worst things you can do...unless its your own...because that sort of **** could earn you, your own religion"
"I dunno man, I would have thought that robbing neighbors would have been right up your street"
"Sexism is alive and well when you consider that the male equivalent of Rachel Riley's job is Darts referee."

 

[BoyBrumby]

Gary Delaney's version which is possibly the original is boiled down to "I've started playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting". Either way, such a good one liner.

I've found it easy to stop performing but cannot stop writing, lemme know if you like any of these. My hit rate with new jokes is incredibly low so if any of these are even passable, lemme know.

"I like to go to parties carrying a giant burning hammer...great icebreaker."
"The wheels on my car never tyre"
"Was walking down the street and saw a guy with a three week old mustache and I thought to myself...I NEED TO GET TESTED FOR TESTICULAR CANCER!"
"I'll tell you who I envy...depressed people who are notoriously bad at shaving...because they can cut themselves on their face where everyone can see and get away with it...lucky buggers!"

[Text message]"Manraj, I'm leaving you to concentrate on algebra...x"
"Its not so much that I don't want to blow my own trumpet, its just...too many ribs!"
"Laughing at someone's funeral is one of the worst things you can do...unless its your own...because that sort of **** could earn you, your own religion"
"I dunno man, I would have thought that robbing neighbors would have been right up your street"
"Sexism is alive and well when you consider that the male equivalent of Rachel Riley's job is Darts referee."

The one's I've highlighted all elicited chuckles.

Meanwhile:

I was waiting at baggage claims at the airport and I realised everyone else had better luggage than me.

A real worst case scenario.

 

[Manee]

The one's I've highlighted all elicited chuckles.

Meanwhile:

I was waiting at baggage claims at the airport and I realised everyone else had better luggage than me.

A real worst case scenario.

Thanks for that. Love the joke too.

"Went jogging in Liverpool, lost 5 pounds".

Not hard to tell what inspired the fourth one of my jokes. My electric shaver is broken and as a result, my face is now ruined.

These aren't really jokes...they are more of a theoretical piece during a set when I get a girl from the audience and use some 'chat-up' lines on her. No idea if these are funny but they amuse me.

"You're one in a million...which is to say that there is around 7000 people like you in the world and statistically, most of them are Chinese"
"You're beautiful like a sunset...but you're not like a sunset in that if I stared at you at the wrong time of day...it'd be legally rather than physically damaging to me"
"Keeping in mind that the left brain is cerebral, logical, thoughtful and dull and the right brain is creative and fun...I would like to **** your brains out"

 

[KiWiNiNjA]

"You're one in a million...which is to say that there is around 7000 people like you in the world and statistically, most of them are Chinese"

 

[cpr]

^ Yeah that one got me too!

 

[Hurricane]

Courtesy of a real estate agent who emails me.

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966"

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[Hurricane]

Can't recall if I've told this one before so here goes

A head rolls it way into the bar and somehow props itself up on to the bar and tells the barkeep to serve him a beer. The bartender looks confused but serves him a beer and puts a straw into the mouth of the head. The head takes a sip and bang - a neck and two arms suddenly appear attached to the head- and the crowd behind him get excited and urge him to have another drink. So the head this time uses one of his arms to pick up the beer and takes a fairly big gulp and boom a chest and torso appear and the crowd starts cheering like crazy. Have a another drink they start chanting. So the fellow picks up a drink and has another gulp and a leg appears. So he starts hopping around and high fiving the crowd and getting pictures taken with cute girls. After about 15 minutes the crowd starts imploring him to finish the beer so he can be a whole person. So the fellow picks up the beer and necks the rest of it. And bam he explodes all over the bar. The bartender slowly gets out his mop to clean up and mutters "should have quit while he was ahead."